From Grief to Hope: Love That Continues
💛 The Love That Doesn’t Leave
Recently, I have been thinking a lot about loved ones who are no longer here on earth but are now in heaven. Today I shed a few tears as I thought about my oldest sister who died at the age of 51 from newly diagnosed genetic ovarian cancer. My extended family used to do a cancer walk in Omaha in May in her memory, but it is no longer held in that city. It’s obvious that even when someone is gone, love remains. I miss her. I wish we could do things together, like talk, laugh, and shop. I remember how she gave up her turn for a facial so I could have one done as something special for me. When things were crazy busy one year, she helped out with all the details of my daughter’s wedding because I was afraid I would forget something important. Now that I’ve been an empty nester for more than 10 years, I would give up a lot so that we could hang out together.
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💭 Remembering What Was Shared
As an adult, I think of these things from time to time. But imagine what it is like for children. They are so busy these days and have events like dance shows, gymnastics, ball games, and school events that they treasure having their parents be present for. Children still carry that connection, and the love never leaves.
I think of my daddy and how much I would love to have him here now that I am grown. There were so many things I would have shared with him, and I know my mom had to attend things for us five kids by herself. It must have been lonely and hard for her to work all day and then run here and there for our activities. I know my brothers would have loved to have Daddy at their father-son boy scout events. My uncles were wonderful and stepped in to help so selflessly while they had their own families. But there is an emptiness in some of those memories where Daddy was absent.
A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. — John 13:34 (NIV)
🌱 How Children Stay Connected
While it wasn’t always easy, my family shared memories (stories, traditions, photos) at holiday tables, in quiet conversations, and times of laughter and sadness. Talking about the person who died was encouraged, whether it was my daddy, my grandparents, or my sister. I never felt like we couldn’t mention them, although when we lost Daddy, I didn’t want to make my mom sad by bringing him up a lot. But I did feel safe to ask questions, and it was important in keeping alive the memories of each of those who had passed on. My twin brothers seem to have wonderful recollections in being able to remember so much, down to minute details. It amazes me still. My sisters and I believe that since the twins were able to bounce things off each other and fill in details for each other, they were able to preserve the memories they had even more. Although I don’t always remember things the way they do, I treasure the fact that they can mention names, places, and events in a way I can’t.
🔗 Connection doesn’t end; it changes where memories become so much more.
👩👧 Parenting Through Grief
After Daddy died, I had to find safety somewhere. That safe place was with family. Family didn’t just include my relatives; it included the community of my church and friends. They allowed us children to grieve as we needed to. For most of us, it was through tears. We were accepted for the sadness, shock, and confusion we felt. One day a pastor stopped by my cousins’ home where we were staying. We had been laughing and playing and couldn’t control our giggles as he prayed for us. Instead of saying, “That’s no way to act when someone dies,” he told us we needed to laugh and enjoy our lives. My cousin explained that we were trying to get the heavy things off our minds for a bit, and he totally understood. It made it okay to feel like that. Grief doesn’t look the same for everyone, and it doesn’t have a specific “plan.”
This is one of the reasons I felt called to write And the Sun Came Up: A True Story of Grief and Hope. I wanted children to have a gentle way to understand grief, hold onto their connection with the person they’ve lost, and begin to see that hope is still possible.
These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. — Deuteronomy 6:6–7 (NIV)
🕊️ Carrying Forward What Was Given
So how do we help children hold onto that connection?
My daddy left his legacy through his faith, values, kindness, and work ethic. He and Mom taught us about Jesus, about having a relationship with Him, reading His Word, and living our lives for Him. We were taught about Jesus as soon as we could understand words. Our parents modeled that lifestyle with reading the Bible, praying, church attendance, and in how they lived their lives. They didn’t use bad language or have bad habits. They were always kind to others, even when they didn’t have to be. We had a neighbor who was struggling with addiction, and one night my daddy helped him out by driving him hours away to a rehab facility. He cared about others and went out of his way to help them. My parents were also hard workers, Daddy on the farm and Mom at home, with farm work, and with us kids.
Living life well is where legacy becomes active. It provides children with something to look to in living their own lives. It’s a model for moving forward.
🌿 The Legacy We Live Out
That reminds me of what it’s like when that person who is a role model for you suddenly is gone from your life. You then look to remember what you knew about that person. My parents always read the Christmas story from the Bible before we opened gifts. We prayed before we ate meals. We spent Sundays visiting relatives and neighbors. Daddy didn’t just talk about living the Christian life; he lived it. He didn’t talk about working hard. He worked hard in the fields and with the animals. He showed his values through spending time with us. He didn’t make vague promises.
I’ve always hoped that my life reflected my daddy’s influence. I know I tried to be like him. I also know I’ve failed in many ways, but both of my parents are always on my mind when making decisions. As a kid, I never wanted to hurt my parents, my grandparents, or any of my family members. For one thing, we all lived in the same town or area. I knew if I had done anything bad, it would easily get back to them and hurt them. That kept me on the straight and narrow. But as I grew up, left for college eight hours away, and learned to be an adult, I know my life didn’t always follow what my parents had taught and modeled to me. But I also knew I was responsible to God over everyone. Children can carry a legacy on, too, but ultimately they form their own legacies, hopefully in bringing glory to God.
A good person leaves an inheritance for their children’s children, but a sinner’s wealth is stored up for the righteous. — Proverbs 13:22 (NIV)
🌸 When the Connection Feels Distant
What if a younger child loses a parent? I was eight years old when it happened to me, but some children are younger and may not remember much about the parent who died. What then? Will those children feel disconnected from their lost parent?
I believe a connection can still exist through stories and traditions passed from the remaining parent, siblings, and grandparents. Many years ago, stories were passed through the oral tradition of storytelling. That type of sharing still exists today. Give your child some gentle reassurance: connection to a loved one can still be built and will be built if those surrounding the child share the story of the life, love, values, events, and especially faith of their loved one.
✨ God Holds Every Part of the Story
What feels lost to me about my daddy is not lost to our great God. The eight years I spent with him are continued in me through a variety of ways. I may or may not bear resemblance to him, but I do carry many of his traits. God provided me with memories of my own, but He also gave me stories and some pictures. Those stories came from others who knew Daddy outside of my family. Some are from family friends. Some are from Daddy’s friends. And some are from those who met him as acquaintances or who heard about him from others who knew him. All of those stories are precious to me, and I truly believe that God continues what was started. He will continue to be with you who feel wounded, too.
You’ve kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, each tear entered in Your ledger, each ache written in Your book. – Psalm 56:8 (The Message)
❤️ Love That Carries Forward
If you have lost someone you loved, you don’t leave that person behind. You carry those people with you. Hopefully, that love becomes part of how you live. I know that losing my daddy gave me a heart for other children who have lost parents in death. I had to live a good portion of my life without my daddy, but I know in my heart that I received so many blessings during that time from Daddy – and Mom!
The deep love I had for my daddy remains, but I have a stronger love for my mom as I watched and felt what she had lost. Her sacrifices to raise five children amaze me, even today after having my own kids and grandchildren. While at times I felt I had lost so much, I realized later that her life changed drastically when she had to go to work after being home, she struggled with finances to raise us, she had to put her own hobbies and enjoyment to the side, and she lost the love of her life. I can never appreciate her enough.
Today, we continue many traditions and activities that we did with my parents. We still read the Christmas story from the Bible before opening gifts. We spend holidays with family. I pray that my children and grandchildren will carry these traditions forward, not because we did them, but because they are things that glorify God and show our faith in Him.
💬 Reflection
What has been passed down to you?
Adult:
What is something meaningful your loved one gave you that you still carry with you today?
Child:
What is something you remember or love about the person you miss?
✏️ Activity
“A Heart That Carries Love”
Draw a large heart.
Inside the heart, write or draw:
A favorite memory;
Something the person taught you; or
Something that reminds you of them.
Around the outside of the heart, draw how you can share that love with others (kindness, helping, hugs).
👉 Talk together: The love someone gave us doesn’t go away; we carry it with us and can share it with others.
🙏 Breath Prayer
Inhale: Lord, thank You for their love.
Exhale: Help me carry it forward.
🌿 Closing Hope
It’s also my hope that resources like And the Sun Came Up can help children and families walk this journey together with gentleness and faith. Love doesn’t end when someone is gone; it lives on in you, in the ways you love, remember, and share it with others.
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