From Grief to Hope: Triggers, Memories, and Unexpected Waves
🌧️ Understanding Triggers
When grief comes without warning, it catches you in the midst of laughter over a fond memory. It hits you when you turn off the light at night and hear the hoot of an owl in the tree outside. It comes amidst a celebration with a group of people you know well, and yet you still feel alone.
When grief comes without warning, you aren’t thinking about dealing with it, but you know it won’t go away. It catches you off guard during those times. I see it when I watch my son-in-law in his role as daddy to my grandkids. I feel it deeply when I watch my twin brothers together and wonder if Daddy would look like them now and if his sense of humor would still make me laugh. I hurt inside when I see my mom get older and wish that she and Daddy could have had more time together in this life.
My memories of Daddy’s death still play in my mind, and they often come when I’m least prepared to handle them. The grief still softens a bit, and those memories are the lifeline I hold onto. But grief will never go away in this lifetime.
If you are unsure as to what you are experiencing, a grief trigger is a situation, experience, or reminder that brings out strong emotions after a loss, most often, more grief. Even when you thought you had healed after a loss, a trigger may appear at a memory, a familiar place, or a smell, and surprise you. Triggers are personal and are different for each person.
When a Memory Feels Like the Present
Many times throughout my life, I have felt like the deaths of my loved ones just seemed like they happened the day before. Everything was so fresh at times. After I lost my daddy in 1971, there were other deaths of loved ones, some when I was present. My oldest sister died in 2009 of ovarian cancer after a five-year battle. I watched her go through her chemo and radiation, sitting with her during some of those times. She outlived her expected timeline of five years by one year. I remember watching as she took her last breath, having one foot on earth and the other in heaven. It is something I will never forget.
Those kinds of events leave scars, but they also provide opportunities to hear loved ones share memories, see loved ones find peace, watch them as they enter heaven, and feel a hope that only comes from our Saviour, Jesus Christ.
🌊 The Emotional Wave
As the memories arise when certain dates come around or just when thoughts come back about past trials, I find myself riding an unexpected wave of grief. It happens from time to time, and it made writing about Daddy’s death very difficult at times.
When the Past Washes Over Today
Sometimes past trials such as the death of a loved one or a job loss or the hurt of a family member brings back those difficult feelings. How do you go about handling that? Does it mean going through a grieving process again? I have found that sometimes I haven’t fully processed grief from past traumas, and those feelings return and wash over me like it’s happening all over again. It is so important, friends, to let that grief out when things happen. By dealing with it as it happens through sharing feelings, crying, or seeing a counselor, you will avoid feeling overwhelmed when memories or new trials happen.nsplash
Why Grief Doesn’t Follow a Timeline
When I found out my sister was told by doctors that she might only have six weeks left to live, I was shattered. Just shattered. I felt grief right at that moment after hoping for years that she might beat the cancer. And she did live a year longer than was projected for the ovarian cancer. But what I felt was anticipatory grief. I was already anticipating her death, and grief hit me that day I learned of the time she had left, even though she was still with me. Grief really doesn’t follow a timeline. You may deal with anticipatory grief at something you know is going to happen, but you will also deal with grief as trauma occurs and afterward for an unknown amount of time.
My daddy has been gone for over 50 years, and this year has been one of the hardest, possibly because I was writing about it. There have been times when it felt like such a fresh loss. I wrote about the day it happened, the feelings I had, the memories that followed, and more. Tears came at various moments, but they were generally followed by good memories. Grief is different for everyone and doesn’t follow a timeline.
🌿 Reflection & Awareness
Learning to Recognize Your Triggers
Sometimes grief triggers feel abrupt when they come, but more often they arrive quietly through a song, a smell, a familiar place, or a date on the calendar. If we learn to recognize triggers, it helps us understand that we aren’t falling apart. We’re being reminded of something our hearts still carry and haven’t fully processed. They are like signposts pointing to those places in our hearts that still need healing. My triggers usually begin with anxiety over something I don’t feel I can control. Do you know what your triggers are?
What Your Grief May Be Trying to Tell You
Grief shows us what mattered most to us. Many times, our sadness reminds us of the love we shared with someone, the dreams we lost, or the wounds we are dealing with of which we may not even be aware.
It is easy to try to pull away from our grief, hide it, or ignore it, but it can be more helpful to listen to what it is trying to tell us. Under the pain, we may find a need for healing, reflection, forgiveness, or renewed trust in God. I found that I was still trying to control events and people in my life. My trust in God only went as far as I would allow under my conditions. And my anxiety was still trying to tell me that I wasn’t doing enough to protect those I loved. These are things I still deal with on a regular basis, but I do see growth as I surrender these things to God daily.
Giving Yourself Permission to Feel Again
Some of us spend years trying to be strong, busy, or unaware of our pain. However, healing can only begin if we stop running away from our feelings and let ourselves experience them honestly before God. Bring on 2025, when I started writing my book and began feeling that grief all over again. It wasn’t like I hadn’t felt it off and on more deeply through the years, but thinking about the details of my story just brought it close to the surface, along with the issues I had with anxiety, depression, and control.
Feeling grief again doesn’t mean we’ve failed to heal. Sometimes it means our hearts are now ready to process things we’ve carried for a very long time.
We aren’t moving backwards; we’re simply being reminded of something our hearts still carry.
✝️ Faith & Meaning
Where Is God in These Moments?
Have you ever wondered, Where was God when this happened? When the heart pain feels so overwhelming, you don’t feel His presence at all. Yet, many of us find that God was with us the whole time, carrying us through times we never thought we could survive. We don’t have to FEEL Him. He is there, just as He promised:
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” – Isaiah 41:10
With grief, it is easy to wonder if God sees our pain or even exists. But His Word reminds us that He is near to the brokenhearted, even when we don’t “feel” Him.
Finding God in the Middle of the Memory
Looking back on memories like a death or loss can be painful, but sometimes those memories show us something we couldn’t see at the time. When I look back at some of the most difficult moments of my life, I often find God’s faithfulness was part of the story. With my daddy’s death, God protected us by using a couple of flat tires and my grandparents’ arrival at our farmhouse just in time, to keep us from going out to the accident site. God brought to mind how life continues as we drove down the streets of my hometown after Daddy’s accident. Through that memory, I learned that life would go on, and that I could, too.
The memory of that day may still hurt deeply, but I have learned to look for God’s fingerprints within it: the family He sent, the strength He provided through our church and friends, and the grace that carried me through it, even to this day many years later.
When the Pain Returns, So Does His Presence
And you know what? Even when grief returns, I am reminded that God is so faithful to us. That same God Almighty who carried me then is still carrying me now. And I’ve faced many new and difficult trials in my life.
A wave of grief doesn’t mean God has left us. In fact, those times often become opportunities to experience His comfort, His peace, and His presence all over again. I want to feel God’s faithfulness AS things happen in my life, not in just looking BACK through that rearview mirror.
🌼 Moving Toward Hope
From Reaction to Reflection
When grief is triggered, let’s look beyond our first emotional response. Instead of reacting before we have time to think, we have a chance to step back and reflect on what we are feeling, why it came at this time, and what God might be teaching us through it. My first reaction when grief is triggered is to cry and maybe complain a bit. But I think, even with the tears, if I sat back and talked to God about what I’m feeling and asked for His grace once again, I might be able to slow down my feelings and learn to move beyond the reaction I have and into reflection, where healing and growth can begin. Wouldn’t that be a small sign of growth?
Holding the Memory Without Being Overcome
For a long time, I believed that looking back at Daddy’s death would only bring back the depression I felt over losing him at such a young age. What I have learned is that it is possible to remember without feeling trapped in the pain. The memory will always bring tears, but it doesn’t have to steal my peace and the growth I have seen.
Healing does NOT mean forgetting. It means that you learn how to carry your memory in a way that honors the past without allowing it to control the present. I have also learned that how I talk about these memories to others can bring glory to God. And isn’t that my purpose?
Letting Grief and Hope Coexist
Grief has been like a teacher in my life. It has taught me that sadness and hope can be present together at the same time. Missing someone deeply does not stop us from having joy, and feeling hope does not mean we loved them any less. I know my daddy wasn’t perfect. My older sister who lost her life to cancer wasn’t perfect, either. And memories are not always accurate. But one thing is for sure: they both had strong relationships with the Lord Jesus Christ, and I know that I will see them again in heaven when it’s my turn. That is my ultimate hope because of my own relationship with Jesus.
We might think we have to choose between grieving and moving forward, but God tells us we can do both. He lived here on earth to give us the eternity where we don’t have to overcome grief and mourning once this life is over. We can acknowledge our pain here while trusting Him with our future. Now that’s something to bring us joy!
☀️ In Closing
The Wave Will Pass
When grief hits unexpectedly, it can feel as though it will never end. The emotions are real and overwhelming, but they will not stay. Just as the waves of the ocean rise and fall, grief often comes in like weather, eventually easing enough for us to breathe again. It reminds me a lot of anxiety attacks, which can come on and make you feel like you will never get through them. They can be frightening and confusing.
In the midst of a grief trigger, it may feel like you are drowning in the pain of the past. But remind yourself that this will not last forever. The wave (or anxiety attack) will pass, even if it takes time.
You Are Not Back at the Beginning
Sometimes a grief trigger makes you feel like you are starting all over in dealing with a loss. But feeling like that does not take away the healing you’ve already had, the growth you’ve seen and felt. The tears may return (they always do for me), but so has the strength, wisdom, and faith you have gained since the event.
A tough day doesn’t mean progress has gone backwards. You are not back at the beginning. You are just seeing a former place in your story with new understanding and greater resilience.
And Still… the Sun Comes Up
After every tough day, every painful memory, and every unexpected trigger of grief, the truth remains: God is faithful. The sun still rises, His mercies are new every morning, and hope is still possible, even when our hearts are still hurting.
I have learned that grief may return to us, but it does NOT get the last word. Through every season of loss, God’s love is there, just as He promised. The promise of a new day is how my husband and I came up with the title of my children’s book. And still, just as it always has, the sun comes up.
